What’s the scariest move you’ve ever seen? A lot of people say The Exorcist. And that’s a pretty scary movie. But for me, hands down, it is the classic Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. You know, the OLD one.
The one they played on TV every single year when i was a child. So there i am, little 4 year old Paul and my mommy sees a nice children’s movie is scheduled to be aired on TV. So she sits little innocent Paul down and he watches it.
Lots of insanely boring crap at the beginning, some crappy songs (i’m thinking of you, ‘Cheer Up Charlie’), but the golden ticket is cool, and YAY! Charlie gets the golden ticket! Happy little 4 year old Paul! Charlie gets to go to the chocolate factory! Whee!
He goes to the chocolate factory with the other children and little 4 year old Paul is waving his little arms in delight. How wonderful! Oh! Willy Wonka sings Pure Imagination…. oooooooo. Little Paul is transfixed in wide eyes magicalness. Then come the Oompa Loompas. Okay, kind of creepy but the song is awesome.
Then this happens:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw_R9SS3kQ8]
I ran fucking SCREAMING from the room. When Augustus Gloop is in that tube i lost my shit. RAN and would not go back to watch that damn movie again.
A year passes.
Next year, same time, they show the movie AGAIN. Now little Paul is 5. Little more hard core. Plus, he knows that horrid scene is coming. So when it comes, i get freaked out, but i sort of divert my attention, maybe run into the kitchen for a minute until the Bad Thing ends, and just get through it.
Made it! Yay! Okay! I got through the Bad Thing, now i can watch the rest of the movie and see what happens! More Chocolate factory! Yay! Willy Wonka is wild and magical. Where are they going now?
On a boat! Oh goody! I love boats!
Wait… what the….
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMFNQDtGin8]
YOU SICK FUCKS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? FUCK THAT. I run screaming. Will NOT go back in the family room until that demonic movie is OFF.
Nononononononononononononononon.
A year passes.
I’m 6 now. That’s right, 6 bitches. And sure enough Willy Wonka time comes around and what appears on TV? Okay. I’m ready for Augustus. I’m ready for the boat ride. I’m a little freaked out, but okay. In fact why am i even watching this snuff….
Ooooh, gum! Gum that tastes like real food! Pretty cool. The gum girl of course is going to eat it and…. and….. wait. WHAT. THE FUCK?!?!?!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuD_9CSyXYg]
Now…. seriously. You fucking sons of bitches. This… is….. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TELL A STORY TO FUCKING LITTLE CHILDREN YOU SADISTIC FUCKS. But i knew i was watching the equivalent of a children’s slasher film. I’m crying. I’m shaking. I’m scared. My little 6 year old body is quivering but through the tears and horror i am going to finish this fucking movie.
Now they go to the next room of Horror and Death. I’m not fucking fooled this year. The Chocolate Factory is a Death Trap designed to pick off little children one by one. After 3 fucking years i am not blind to the obvious.
And we come to the fizzy lifting room. With the bubbles. And the big fan with the blades way in the air.
And then comes the line that chills me to my tear stained, already traumatized bones:
“Come on Charlie, let’s sneak a drink while no one’s looking.”
ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!?!??!??!????/ HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERY SINGLE CHILD WHO BREAKS ANY OF WONKA’S RULES?!? IT”S TORTURE AND DEATH YOU STUPID…. oh on…. no… tell me they’re not going to…. fucking Grandpa you stupid fuck.
Up in the fan they go.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8MVdoL27ZY]
At least i’m assuming that’s how the scene ended. By the time they were about to hit the blades i was OUT of there.
It took me 5 motherfucking years to watch that sick, twisted ode to pain, torture and death of children. By the next year i was 7 and had seen the worst bits. Hell, the demise of Veruca Salt and Mike Teevee were nothing after 4 years of the horrors that came before. 5 years of trying to finally be able to watch that thing. Seriously, NO other movie has scared me so much i had to keep trying for 5 years just to make it through.
Let’s end with a little song from the newer version. It’s a good song.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuLl5XD57zU]
