(Note: this was never released because the basic idea was used for a certain work that should be rather apparent. In canon however, it is the story devised by Sarah, Lloyd & Raven for their Playhouse run.)
From the journal of Dominic Fontaine. Assorted pages.
Day 169
Purple streaks smearing the dim undulation of the desert sky.
I think back a great deal to the Attic, and try to recapture the way we felt all those months ago as we did our research and prepared for the Crossing.
We felt disdain for the world. We believed fervently in Gd, and we believed in the presence of other spheres and spirit realms. We believed in the Qabbalah, as delivered by Moses and passed down to the Rosicrucians, and that the 10 sephiroth were literal places and were the Body of Gd
Adolai had been an inspiration to those of us who had known him. He was much older, and he had traveled the world many times, sharing with us tales of foreign lands, and phenomenon that suggested the fingerprints of Gd. He’d seen so many things, mystical things, and wonders far beyond what any of the small minded church group around us could comprehend. He was learned and wise, a brilliant professor figure none of us could find elsewhere, pipe in mouth, sitting up in his attic pointing out ancient books, symbols, and archaic secrets that Christ and His successors had hidden for the truly dedicated and worthy.
Adolai warned us he was going to try something daring, that he was going to pass through the Veil, symbolized by the Byzantine tapestry he kept in his attic study, into the higher Spheres. And then one day, he did. He was gone. Just like that, leaving behind notes, books, and clues that we struggled to piece together.
We believed we too could pierce the Veil, step into the next Sphere, and that by passing through from each to each up the Qabbalic ladder, we could progress towards Gd, at the end of our journey returning to The One, as emissaries of It’s consciousness, carrying back the information we had learned of Creation through our experience so that Gd may see the world from the eyes of His children on the inside. We knew the journey could be long, but we believed in the progress, and the path, and the splendor of the worlds within.
That was why. That was why we didn’t think twice about stepping through.
We were wrong.
I doubt anyone will ever find this and if you do all that it means is that you’re here too, and so you’re fucked also. I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry for us. Those of us who remain keep going because even a beast will keep up the flight for survival despite its wounds both physical and mental. They chase us relentlessly. They never stop. I’ve already killed a few of them so far, and I’ve smeared their thick, snotty blood on my face and chest, felt it’s taste on my tongue, and it’s warm stink coat my throat and stain my piss a vile dark yellow. I swear I’ll kill more before they feast on my carcass.
If you are reading this and have lost hope and the will to run as we have, know that we love you. Know that we wish nothing more then to greet you in the Watchtower after all, and embrace you and cry together with you in relief. Perhaps we still will. If not, our love to you, and see you in hell.
Loose page.
Finish recitation of 8th aeyre key.
Place Gate Mandala 4 steps from altar 3 cubits from top of arch.
Place Malkuth astrological sigils on west wall opposite arch, and Yesod astrological sigils around Gate Mandala 2 secs equidistance.
Begin recitation of 7th aeyre key.
Day 125
Effervescent bubbles move slowly across the peaked horizon.
April screamed like a banshee while I pulled the stick out of the soft bottom of her foot, and Orion stuck the smoldering flame onto it to cauterize the wound. It stunk. She wept for a few hours afterwards, but all in all held up pretty well by evening’s end. The stick is caked in blood, as is my hands, which is a major problem. We’re doing everything we can to minimize our trail of scent, and stains on the ground from her bleeding foot and bloody objects tossed aside will only serve to draw them.
Didn’t hear much barking last night. It seems like we’re finally a few days ahead.
Orion and I talked for a while about what to do about April. She won’t be able to walk right for some time. If ever. I don’t know anything about how wounds heal in the real world, never mind the consideration that our bodies may not heal and metabolize at a normal rate here. The landscape certainly doesn’t follow the proper laws of physics, why should our bodies? But Orion’s stump has healed well enough, although he says he still feels his arm even though it’s no longer there.
There’s only the four of us now.
Orion and I don’t bother speculating on the 4th or 5th or whatever the fuck dimensional landscape anymore, and why the ground and horizon is constantly shifting in slow motion. The only thing that matters is that April can’t walk, and we can’t make fast enough time carrying her when the dogs catch up to us again. We can’t leave her and won’t. We decided to carry her as best we can, as far as we can. If the barking gets within minutes of us, we’ll ask her whether she wants us to kill her or whether she wants to take her chances being eaten by the dogs. Maybe they won’t eat her and whatever Masters who drive them continuously onward after us will take her. Maybe there are no Masters and only the beasts rule.
Always running and running and running. I’m so tired.
We don’t talk about Leanne, although she’s still with us. She’s over by the far side of the fire now, crouching, sucking the crusty scabs on her left hand where her 3 fingers used to be. Black, tangled, matted hair hanging down over her face, her eyes dark and wild. The last intelligible word she spoke was two weeks ago, that crazy rant about white blood cells. White blood cells and that cackling laughter I never knew her voice could make.
I wish now, so much, that I would have had sex with her back in the Attic days. Not because I care about dying a virgin or anything like that. I never thought about sex in the same way as so many around me, but I’ll obviously never live long enough to love anyone else, even if I could, and now the girl I loved is gone, forever I assume, and only this animal-like shadow of madness in her eyes is left.
Stars fall like glitter in the vacuum of garish blue moonlight.
Day 2
Pale streams of lucid violet atop the wide canyon floor.
This place is astonishingly beautiful. It’s vibrant, bursting with alternative spectrums of color, in an eerie almost psychedelic way. The landscape moves we realize. It doesn’t stay the same. You can see it slowly moving like great thick water if you sit still and look at it long enough. Tannis throws up occasionally, and says he can’t move around too fast or he gets sick. There’s no need to hurry, though. We’re sure the Watchtower must be only a couple days north, just like Adolai wrote, so we’re just taking it slow and admiring the strange otherworldly beauty. We knew that we were entering another reality, but it’s still so amazing once you’re actually here.
There are strange sounds all around, like muffled bubbles, a hollow wind, and a slightly scary noise in the distance. It almost sounds like the barking of dogs. Tannis gets paranoid listening to it, and thinks it really is some kind of pack of wolves or something hunting us from a far distance, closing in.
Well, you know how Tannis can get. This is ridiculous, of course. We’re in the Body of Gd now. All is Love here. It must be. Our ears obviously aren’t accustomed to the angel-world, and mistake sounds just as the landscape plays tricks with our eyes.
Nice and slow will do it. I’m sure Tannis will adjust. We travel through the spirit world now. I wonder, how soon will we see the “footprints” of Gd or maybe His Angels? Perhaps an Angel resides at the Watchtower to greet us.
How great is Gd’s Creation! Praise Him!
Day 110
Orange stains on the neon soil, coating our feet with the taste of chalk and over-ripe candy.
I don’t blame June for killing herself like that I guess. Only 5 of us left, though, and it really fucks with what little hope and will to go on we have left.
Always running. Always running and running.
The landscape always slowly moving, a valley we’re in several hours later is atop a cliff. There’s no “where” to run to since nothing stays the same, and there’s no sign of any fucking ‘Northern Watchtower’, even though we’ve tried to keep North for months now.
The dogs caught up again, all teeth and fire and snarl and bark. Leanne was screaming and screaming; even Orion almost lost it. We were on the verge of panic all night as we heard them gaining ground on us, and then there they were, just as we were approaching a gradually parting chasm. They were all howl and fire and teeth, and we leapt over the cliff to catch the other side before the gap expanded too far to cross. Mark, always almost spasming with nerves, reacted first, of course. He leapt, and was over the rift onto the other side in one easy lunge. The two sides hadn’t drifted very far apart yet, and Leanne and I made it, easy. By the time Orion had scrambled up and grabbed his stuff, it was getting wider, and crossing the distance was questionable. But thank… oh whatever, Orion had the rope out and ready. He threw it across to me as he began his leap, and I caught it. He hit the side of the cliff almost near the top and I dragged him up.
Leanne threw the rope back over to June, who stood there on the other side as the dogs fell upon her and the gap between the girls grew ever apart. We screamed and screamed at her to jump. She did, at the last possible moment, jaws on her heel, and her leap across was so very impossibly slow, as it can be sometimes in this place where the laws of physics are forever breaking down and hanging together by threads.
June said something softly to Leanne there, halfway across. I didn’t hear, it sounded like “why” and “blood smells”, “why blood smells” or something like that, and they looked at each other and June smiled and she let go of the rope and threw her arms open, her head back, and fell into the opening landscape far beneath.
Five of us now.
March 4, The Attic. Before Crossing.
I should write in this journal more often I know, as this will be the great Testament of our journey into the 10 realms that make up the Body of Gd, praise Him. Hopefully we can somehow get it back to this world when we’re done, so that other believers can use it to explore the Sephiroth and journey to meet the Christ in His Kingdom while still in mortal form.
This is so exciting! We don’t go to the church group anymore, as the 9 of us are too busy here in Adolai’s Attic researching all the mystical keys and doorways and Mandalas to use in order to make the great Crossing.
Gd’s Body, wow.
Plus, none of the old church group, apart from the nine of us, believe in what we’re doing, or they believe that even if possible, we shouldn’t do it. We feel differently. Why sit in this messed up world longing to one day maybe see just a tiny sign of Gd, when these volumes from the post-Rosicrucians tell of ways to open a doorway into the next Sephiroth, and travel one to the other, using great Watchtowers to make the leap from realm to realm up the spirit world, the Body of Gd, until we can journey to the radiance first hand, without the need of Death?
How great is Gd’s Creation. Praise Him!
Leanne and I stayed there alone together all last night, preparing the first 12 aeyre keys. Translation and pronunciation are very difficult. We took a break very late and just talked and laughed and ended up holding hands. I thought I would die. I love her soft little giggle, and the twinkle in her eyes when I make her laugh. I sometimes start to think about what would happen if I were to make her my wife, but I need to not be distracted, as we have a greater destiny in store then this mundane, material existence.
Tannis and Lorallae return from Prague tomorrow, and they’ll have the last few volumes of text we’ll need to translate in order to complete the last three ceremonies.
Praise!!!
Day 187
Even though I didn’t hesitate in killing April when she asked- I pulled the knife swiftly across her throat without a second thought and kept running- that was a week and a half ago. This time it was Orion, and he was the only one I really had left who still recognizable.
I couldn’t kill him.
I couldn’t kill him. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it even though he insisted. But we saw the Watchtower. It is here. It exists and I wanted Orion to be there with me. He was the only one I have left.
He’s dead anyway, of course. They ripped him to fucking shreds and I howled and fell upon them with knife and teeth of my own, and didn’t care that I would die. I haven’t cared that I would die for months now. It seemed the best of times to be done with it all.
But Leanne, I didn’t even think she was coherent enough, or there was anything left of her to care, but she was there, fiercer even then I, all thrashing hair and shrieking and teeth of her own and we fought them off for just a moment. Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me away and we ran again. Ran away, just far enough to live another day.
I understand now.
We were right.
We were right all along.
We are in the Body of Gd. We exited the material world all those months ago, and entered the lowest realm of Gd. We entered the Body, sure enough.
We entered while still in material form.
Thus, we are infections in the spirit realm. Viruses. Unclean bacteria. And the dogs are nothing but the White Blood Cells of the Body, coming to purify it from our unclean presence.
We were covered in blood, Leanne and I, in sight of the Watchtower, panting from the fight, wounds bleeding, and we fucked then, on the kaleidoscope soil, and maybe we’ll reach the watchtower and maybe we’ll breed and we’ll fuck and fuck again, and our children will fuck and breed, and we’ll make an army and we’ll kill these fucking beasts who have hunted us and killed my friends and taken from me my life and my heart and my innocence and my hope.
I wanted love and to know perfect love and to see it with my own eyes that I may rejoice in the purity of the one light. Now I taste blood, and am covered with blood, and fuck in blood and live in blood and am the imperfection that must be cleansed in the name of purity.
Red waves in a still, dark land.
May 5th, The Attic
Tonight we cross!
I can barely contain my excitement. Soon we shall see the Promised Land few mortals are bold enough to cross unto. Soon we shall join with Gd and experience His purity. Not for us this world of unbelievers and charlatans. Soon we will know truth and the truth will set us free. Unshackle yourself, blind world! Follow us into the realms of light! I hope to leave you a map that the bolder of you may use to follow after us, that we may all be reunited on that Great Distant Shore.
Come!
We go tonight in love; we storm the gates of heaven and rejoice in the splendor of purity.
-Dominic.
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This is beautifully written. I’ve read it a few times by now, but the last two paragraphs still make me gasp a little.
This is beautifully written. I’ve read it a few times by now, but the last two paragraphs still make me gasp a little.